Jack-o-lantern, jack-o-lantern – Wordless Wednesday

Jack-o-lantern, jack-o-lantern
You are such a funny sight
As you sit there in the window
Looking out at the night

You were once a yellow pumpkin
Growing on a sturdy vine
Now you are a jack-o-lantern
Let your candle light shine

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Why I’m trying to let go of the mommy guilt & focus on myself & my marriage

Tomorrow I am dropping off my son Julian at his first day of preschool. He’s not even 3 yet – he’ll be 2 until the end of November. Sigh.

Although my heart wants to home school or unschool Ava, I’m not giving in and instead am leaving her in public school for kindergarten (in a class of 25 kids) this year. Sigh.

Why am I doing these things and going against my heart instead of following it? Because my head tells me they are the right things to do – for now.

I’ve spent the past five-plus years of my life pouring myself into my kids. They have been my world. Although intellectually I knew having balance in my life was important, I always seemed to neglect the idea. Instead of taking care myself or my marriage (things that would have required a good deal of effort), I distracted myself with my children. That’s not to say I regret putting my kids first because I don’t, but I wish that I would’ve found a way to make myself and my marriage a priority during this time too. My mental health has suffered. My marriage has suffered.

Many of you know I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder earlier this year. I’ve been going to individual therapy for months, as well as on a low dose of Zoloft. My husband Jody and I have also been going to couple’s therapy off and on for a few months. We both have a lot of work to do, and while I’ve doubted in the past whether or not we can make it, I’m feeling more confident that we can. It’s not going to be easy, but the things worth fighting for never are.

All of this to say that I’ve decided, after talking to my psychiatrist and doing some serious soul searching, that it’s time for me to stop focusing only on my children and time for me to focus on myself too. That means Ava will stay in public school this year and Julian will attend preschool (the same Waldorf home-based preschool Ava attended) one day a week. It will give me a little time to myself. I know the temptation to catch up on housework or waste the day away sitting on the computer will be great, but I hope to use some of that time every Wednesday to nurture myself (as well as volunteer in Ava’s classroom for two hours every other week – see, I can’t give up focusing on my kids that easily).

While this might not be exactly what I wanted or envisioned, it is what I believe will work best for us – for now. I will try to put my mommy guilt aside and focus instead on getting myself healthy and my marriage to a better place – both of which will benefit myself AND my children in the long run.

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October snow in Colorado

I’m so glad that I got a few pics of the kids playing in the leaves on Friday – like this one of Julian.

Because by Saturday, our yard looked like this!

And now, all of the leaves in our trees (which were still green!) have fallen to the ground.

What happened to autumn this year? Climate change?

What’s the weather like in your neck of the woods?

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Gone Fishin’ – Wordless Wednesday

Ava and Julian went fishing with daddy, paw-paw and me-maw on Tuesday for the very first time. Unfortunately the fish were not biting, but the kids still had a good time. 🙂

(Also, sorry I haven’t been posting lately. My in-laws are in town and I’ve been sick. Oh, and my laptop may be fried. Sigh.)

See more Wordless Wednesday posts at the original WW home and at 5 Minutes for Mom.

The first day of kindergarten – Wordless Wednesday

Dress and shoes courtesy of Tar-jay (Target)

A blueberry pancake for breakfast

Landscaping Balancing rocks in backyard courtesy of my friend Julie’s neighborhood (i.e. they were free!)

A beautiful smile

Love courtesy of daddy

Kids Konserve lunch bag courtesy of Kids Konserve, SIGG bottle (the BPA-free version) courtesy of SIGG (and daddy’s paycheck) and cucumber and strawberries courtesy of our garden

BPA-free, phthalate-free, eco-friendly backpack courtesy of Eco-Gear (and mommy’s paycheck)

Another great smile

My tree-hugger in training (with her eco-friendly backpack & lunch bag) following daddy and Julian to line up for class

One last smile – You can tell she’s thinking, “That’s enough pictures, Mom!”

Ready to head in for her first day!

Want to read more about my thoughts on sending Ava to kindergarten?

See more Wordless Wednesday posts at the original WW home and at 5 Minutes for Mom.

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A mama’s thoughts on sending her daughter to kindergarten

Last Wednesday, my little girl grew up a little bit more. She went from attending a small home-based Waldorf preschool to attending kindergarten in a classroom of more than 20 children (I think there are 27) in a school of more than 400.

As I said previously, I’ve been filled with a mix of emotions with Ava starting kindergarten in “the big school.” There are some things about it I’m not fond of: like that they use hand sanitizer before lunch and snack instead of washing hands, that Ava – who is normally a social butterfly – said she was an “only lonely” at recess on Friday, the not-so-healthy snacks, that the hot lunch program is pretty much all fried, unhealthy foods, and that after two full days of school her teacher doesn’t appear to know her name yet.

I could be overreacting. I mean, I want my girl to be happy and safe and healthy, but it was only the first week of school. Perhaps once they get into their routine, hand washing will happen more regularly instead of hand sanitizing (the teacher did tell me that washing was her preference – if there’s time). And I’m sure her teacher will learn her name soon. This week they are focusing on “making and keeping friends” and maybe that will help Ava fit in a little better.

Yet, regardless of all of this, there was something about taking Ava to school that first day that just didn’t feel “right” to me. I’ve made a lot of parenting decisions in the past five years and I have to say I’ve felt peaceful about pretty much every one of them. Sure, I made some wrong choices here and there, but as for the big decisions, I’ve felt good about them. However, there was something about dropping Ava off that didn’t feel peaceful to me.

Last week I reread a post I wrote almost a year ago called Is Home Schooling Right For Us? At the time, I was leaning toward home schooling, but wanted to keep my options open. Jody and I ended up visiting a few public schools including a charter school, a regular public school and an International Baccalaureate World school (also public). We made our decision and hoped for the best. Somewhere in there the idea of home schooling got lost in the shuffle. Also, I was dealing with some heavy duty anxiety as I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder this winter and didn’t feel like I could add another thing (home schooling) to my plate.

Now here we are, a week into the school year and I’m reconsidering home schooling. There’s a great, very active home schooling community in my area and I feel like, if I wanted to pursue this, I’m in a good head space to do it now. However, I am not going to make any rash decisions. We are going to see how it goes for now. I’m going to do more research. There were a slew of helpful comments with links in my Is Home Schooling Right For Us? post and I need to read up on them. What I’d like to do is supplement a bit at home while Ava is in kindergarten and see how she responds to that and how I do with it too. If the supplemental home schooling goes well and I feel like she could learn from me and if I don’t fall in love with her school over the next several months, then we might give home schooling a try for first grade. We’ll see.

For now I’m going to try to stay positive (especially around Ava) and go to a volunteer orientation this week so I can start volunteering in the classroom and do some reconnaissance help out and see how it all works. I’ve already been emailing with the principal about the possibility of donating a Clean Well wall-mounted hand sanitizer dispenser for the classroom (by the way, I’ll be giving away some Clean Well products soon!) and to obtain the Material Safety Data Sheets (boy, are those a fun read :P) so I could take a look at what kinds of cleaning products are used in the school. I hope I’m not coming off as a pain in the ass, but rather a parent who’s concerned about the health and well-being of her child and all children in the school. The principal did encourage me to stay in touch, thanked me for my interest and said “parents like you are what make “X” the great school it is!” That last part struck me as a bit form letter-esque, but I’d like to think that she means it.

I like that I have choices and the option of changing my mind. I like that I can get involved and maybe make a positive difference. And I will keep asking my questions because knowledge is power.

I’ll be posting the rest of Ava’s first day of kindergarten pics soon. (Yes, I finally picked up my SLR again after a several month hiatus and it felt good.) 🙂

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Kindergarten! – Wordless Wednesday

This is one of those “not quite Wordless Wednesday” posts. 😉

I snapped this picture with my iPhone of Ava at our “meet the teacher” night Tuesday. She starts kindergarten Wednesday morning and will be going two full days and one half day each week. The first day is a full day.

I’ve been filled with a mix of emotions (excitement, nervousness, sadness, happiness, pride, and even close to a panic attack this evening) about my girl starting kindergarten and I hope to write about it soon. This new school is such a big change from what Ava’s used to (a Waldorf home-based preschool with eight kids at the most). Yet I have a lot of confidence in her ability to adapt, make friends and fit right in. She’s proven to me on so many occasions that she is fully capable.

And so, although I might have my worries, I will be strong (at least outwardly), put on my proud mama smile and let her spread her wings. After all, that’s a mama’s job, right?

See more Wordless Wednesday posts at the original WW home and at 5 Minutes for Mom.

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Like. Dislike*. Love.

I dislike that I resort to putting my daughter in front of the TV whenever I’m trying to get my son down for a nap.

I dislike being around smokers when I have my kids in tow.

I dislike muddy paw prints in my house.

I dislike that I haven’t been the blogger that I want to be lately.

I like the smell of autumn.

I like the sound of a gentle rain.

I love seeing and hearing my kids laugh hysterically at each other.

I dislike it when I yell at my kids.

I love growing food in my backyard.

I dislike that my backyard doesn’t get enough sun to have a big garden.

I like that my backyard has so much shade I don’t have to worry about my kids getting sunburned.

I love the looks on my kids’ faces when they discover something for the first time.

I like the feeling of sand between my toes.

I like that now (after more than 11 years) I have a bike to ride again.

I dislike that sometimes marriage seems like so much work.

I dislike not having the answers to all of my questions.

I love living in Colorado.

I love Michigan (my home state), but only in the summer and fall.

I love that my sister and I have such a close relationship.

I dislike that talking to my parents isn’t easy.

I like that my parents and I are slowly but surely working on our relationships.

I like that I know how to make my kids laugh.

I like educating others.

I like writing.

I dislike that I don’t always feel motivated to write.

I dislike blatant consumerism.

I love watching my kids play.

I dislike early mornings.

I love to sleep.

I love that I’ve been able to breastfeed both of my kids.

I dislike ignorance.

I dislike that sometimes I am ignorant.

*I dislike the word hate, which is why I used “dislike” instead of it.

I love that my husband believes in parenting the same way that I do.

I love that my husband is a wonderful father.

I dislike my cluttered house.

I dislike addiction.

I love feeling like I’ve made a difference.

I love that I have a supportive group of friends.

I dislike that there’s so much suffering in the world.

I love that my children willingly eat so many foods that I was never exposed to until I was an adult.

I like that I’m allowing myself to feel for the first time in a while.

I dislike the way that those feelings sometimes make me feel.

I dislike fear.

I love that I’m learning to overcome my fears.

And I love that my kids make everything that seems difficult, or even impossible, worth the effort.

This feels rather meme-like, so I invite you to feel free to do this on your own blog if you feel so inclined. I found it to be a very enlightening, fun, and educational exercise. It’s especially interesting to see how many likes, dislikes and loves you come up with at the end. If you do this on your blog and want to link back to me, I’d appreciate it, but please don’t feel obligated. 🙂

The event that changed my life forever

Five years ago today my life experienced a dramatic change – for the better. It was five years ago today, with the birth of my daughter Ava, that I became a mother.

It’s amazing to me how something like becoming a mother can be such a profound experience, but I really feel that I wasn’t able to fully discover who I was until that life-changing event. That’s not to say that the moment my daughter was born a lightbulb went off over my head and I knew my purpose in life, but being a mother has caused me to experience life and think about things in ways I don’t think I would have been able to otherwise.

The past five years have been enlightening, maddening, exciting, challenging, amazing, frightening, hilarious, beautiful, heart-wrenching, and joyful – sometimes all at once! Motherhood is unlike any other experience I’ve ever had and I am so thankful I am able to be a part of it.

A couple days ago I was rereading a journal I kept before Ava was conceived. There are only a few entries in it, but this one in particular, from Aug. 31, 2003, stood out. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this on my blog before or not, but Jody and I did not have an easy time conceiving her and actually had to have a little help via the IUI (intrauterine insemination) route. I wrote about my sadness and wanting so badly to be pregnant, to have that experience of being a mother.

“I am so looking forward to nurturing, teaching and sharing our lives and the world with our child(ren). I am looking forward to that first smile, the first laugh, the first step, the first words, hearing “I love you, Mom” and absolutely everything else that goes along with it.

I know I will never take my child for granted.”

Rereading that journal entry was a good reminder for me of how hard we fought to get Ava in our lives in the first place. And even though being a mother can be very challenging at times, it is also so rewarding and something I wouldn’t trade for the world.

I feel so fortunate that I have been able to experience all of those “firsts” not once, but twice with both Ava and Julian. Motherhood is an incredible gift and I feel so blessed to get to experience it.

Thank you, Ava, for making me a mom and getting me started on a path of self-discovery I may have missed out on otherwise. I am a better person because of you. I hope your birthday and year are filled with as much magic and wonder as you bring to my life every day. I love you.